A Deep Hole

A Deep Hole. He left one when he died. I thought I would spend the rest of my life loving him. Yesterday would’ve been his 35th birthday. For a long time I tried desperately to fill that hole with other things. Drugs and Men Mostly. I wanted to numb the pain. I needed to be loved by someone like he loved me.

You see, when I was a child – I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything else, when I grew up. That was my “dream.” So when I no longer had either one of those things, after having them for so many years…. I was lost. I had no purpose. I wallowed in self-pity and sin. I just didn’t care anymore. Not about my life or anyone else’s.

I vividly remember having a conversation with someone about a certain man I choose to be with after the passing of my husband. As we talked through the choices I made that lead me down the destructive path I was on – I realized that he was exactly the opposite of who my husband was. The following words came out of my mouth and surprised me more than I think they did the person I was talking to. I said:

“Ken would’ve threw himself in front of a bus to save me…. XXXX would’ve thrown me in front of a bus to save himself

I sat there in her office, confused by the statement that I just made. She responded: “Why do you think you choose Him?” I couldn’t answer. I just shrugged my shoulders with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t know.  My husband was loving. This man was full of self-love. My husband was thoughtful. This man’s only thoughts were of himself. My husband was gentle. This man inflicted not only emotional pain, but on many occasions – physical. My husband cherished me. This man used me, in every way possible.

Still to this day, I’m not sure why I choose him. My best guess – He was different. He didn’t remind me of my husband. In some ways, it made being with him less painful.

After I started to piece my life back together, I still had that hole, a hole so deep that I didn’t know how to fill it. I yearned to be a wife and a mother to my children. I wanted those two things more than anything else in this world. It wasn’t long before I realized that I couldn’t fill that hole…. But HE could! He has.

When I see fathers with their children…. and I long to see Ken with ours.. HE IS ENOUGH

When I see a husband and a wife in a happy embrace…. HE IS ENOUGH

When I hear couples celebrating another year happily married…. HE IS ENOUGH

When His birthday comes, as it did yesterday…. HE IS ENOUGH

When I have to fall asleep alone with no one to hold me… HE IS ENOUGH

The way He fills this hole is so sweet. This hole drives me to my Savior. To My Jesus.

I no longer allow it to drive me into the arms of a man that God most certainly never intended for me to be with in the first place. Instead – I will wait on the LORD. I once read that you are never ready to enter into a relationship until you first learn how to allow the Lord to fulfill your every need. Thankful for this sweet time where I’m learning how to do this.

“But My God shall supply all your needs according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19)

“For HE satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps. 107:9)

Happy Birthday to my sweet husband… You are missed!