It was a long day. A 10 hour shift. I headed over to my mothers, after she extended an invite for dinner. Two things I will never say no to: 1. Time with my children and parents! 2. Italian! (There!! You have the keys to my heart!)
As I was sitting there, I scrolled through Facebook. I saw that another one of my friends entered into a relationship. Just as soon as I saw it, the words came out of my mouth… “Everyone has a boyfriend, except me.”
My mothers response was quick, matter of fact, and exactly what I needed to hear….. “Anyone can get a boyfriend, Chrystal. You could walk out that door right now and get one. The difference is you’ve chosen to wait for God to bring you the right man.”
She quickly reminded me that I had made a decision. One I knew the Lord clearly asked me to. To wait on Him! To not settle. To not entertain the thought of being with someone that would cause my relationship with the Lord to falter, but instead one that would enable it to grow!! Someone who walked with Christ daily. Someone that would love Christ more than anything or anyone, including me!!
I made this decision during my time in the post graduate program at RU recovery ministries. After a series of events early in my program, I realized how vital it was to my walk with Christ that I made this decision.
I have made compromises along my life’s path for men. Two in particular. Those compromises lead to huge disasters. (I’m not trying to place the blame on others for the disaster that became my life over and over, stay with me here, you’ll see the point I’m trying to make!)
Previously, I always viewed myself as “submissive!” What I didn’t realize then was the “WHY” for my submissiveness!
Sure the Bible calls women to be submissive to their husbands, the church to their pastor, the people to their government, and of course… the Christian to God; But my submissiveness wasn’t built on these directives. It was built on an idol complex.
Simply, a man has always surperceeded God on His throne, in my heart. I needed them to fill a hole that I wasn’t allowing God to fill. To fulfill needs that I believed God couldn’t meet. These were tough truths to swallow about myself.
I made certain choices in life to accommodate the relationships. To prove my love. To be who they wanted me to be, so that they could be who I NEEDED them to be.
One of the things my late husband use to say to me was “I love you for the way you love me. For how you see me. No matter if I’m doing good or bad, you still love me.” (For those of you who don’t know, but might be reading this… My husband died of a heroin overdose in early 2015. We both entered into our addiction together during a time in our life where sorrow was the place we called home.) When he said those words to me, it was during a sweet moment when we were walking in victory and Satan’s grasp had lost its hold on us, at least for a few short years.
It was the memory of those words that the Lord prompted me to take a look at why I was the way I was with men. And what it all meant.
A few things he showed me during the sweet time that I sought his face through this were:
1. Don’t Doubt Gods ability to fulfill all of my needs!!! But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19. He can fulfill every single one of them, only IF I allow Him to!
2. Don’t get ahead of God. There are so many verses about waiting on Him!! Through my life’s journey I’ve realized that there is nothing outside of Gods will that I want for my life, including a man….therefore, I will wait on Him!
The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently For the salvation of the LORD. -Lam 3:24-26
3. Don’t settle. God may or may not have a man for me, but Satan definitely has one!! Be certain you can spot the fake!
4. Hide yourself!! God doesn’t need your help! Putting yourself out there will not attract the kind of man you desire or need, anyways!! Gods word tells men: “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing….” To find something it MUST be hidden right?!
This last one can be so difficult. In a world where you can “swipe” left or right to choose a potential mate, it is hard to not fall prey to giving God a little “help!” It’s easy for Satan’s whispers to get in there and tell me lies that I start to believe, causing me to want to take control and do the finding!!! But then I’m gently nudged by that still small voice that says….
Thankful today for my very Best friend, my mother, who He has used time and time again to nudge me back to the cross!!