Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

I’m rubber your glue, whatever you say to me, bounces off of me and sticks to you.

If only these common childhood sayings were true.


Words. They have great power. They Build Up. They Tear Down. They Hurt. They Heal.  They Hinder. They Help. They Encourage. They Despair.

They are one of the most powerful weapons we have as humans. They are permanent. Spoken words cannot be erased.


What happens when you are the target of negative words. Do you retaliate? What do you do when those insults are true, or at least were true of you at one time. How do you respond?

Today I was faced with a situation much like this. This isn’t the first, and I know it will not be the last. The words cut into me like a knife. My pride welled up. I cried. I do that when I’m upset. Let’s just be real – I do it when I’m hurt, happy, sad, offended, etc. I’m an emotional person. As the saying goes, ‘I wear my heart on my sleeve.’ I hate that about myself.

The words came from one of my children. It was in a situation when I was trying to make her aware of her actions in that moment. She took that opportunity to bring up my past actions. I was trying to parent and she reminded me I had lost that right. She didn’t hold anything back. She only spoke two sentences. It happened in all of 3 seconds. I was vividly and painfully reminded of the mistakes I made that brought us to this very moment.

At first, my pride welled up. Stupid, right? I thought, you can’t do that! That’s so disrespectful! I’m trying so hard! That WAS me. That’s NOT me! I said a few things I wish I hadn’t. I’m sure she did as well.

I went to take a shower. So I could cry. And Pray…. and cry some more. While I was in there, I realized that if it hadn’t been true it wouldn’t hurt so bad. That I was reaping in that moment what I’ve sown in the past.

Most of the time, things are GREAT! But in times like these, I’m reminded how badly I’ve hurt those who I was entrusted to protect. How deeply I’ve wounded them. And now this was her chance to do the same to me. Hurt people, hurt people. Plain and simple.

It might sound odd, but I’m thankful for moments like this. It reminds me that my actions have consequences that are far beyound anything I can see.

It reminds me that my words have power.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof – Prov 18:21

It reminds me that my children are hurting, and need grace.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. – Eph 4:29

It reminds me that I need to be willing to forgive those that have wronged me, because I know how badly I want it from those who I have wronged.

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you – Mat. 6:14

Thankful for the truths from the Bible that breath new life into my soul at times like these.

Really, I’m just thankful.

Thankful for my children.

Thankful for the valleys.

Thankful for His forgiveness.

Thankful for deliverance.



Learn more about Chrystal Here

Or read some of her other posts:
A Deep Hole
One Foot in the World



This is a topic that has come up often in conversation over the past few weeks with different people in my life. Because of my past, I have a different perspective on the topic than others. I realize this can be a touchy subject for some. I'm writing this in an effort to help those who might be on the outside looking in – Perhaps you have a loved one that is in bondage as I once was, or you have a friend that has a child that is struggling; Whatever it may be, I pray that this would give some insight, some help, and some relief to the guilt you may be feeling.

Let's get down to it now that we've completed the introductions. What does it mean to enable someone? Lets take a look at the official definition in the dictionary:


What does this look like in the life of an addict?

Perhaps your loved one needs money for Rent. Food. Clothes/shoes for that new job they told you they got. For the doctor or a prescription they need. For diapers or formula for their new baby. For gas for their car?

Sound familiar?

How do you tell them no? How could you possibly not help?

What kind of person would you be if you didn't buy diapers for your grandchild? Or helped them get those new work boots so they could change their future?! After all, they are trying right?

Let me share a secret with you – Addicts are some of the BEST manipulators out there. We will say/do whatever we need to, to get exactly what we want (DRUGS!). Does your grandchild need diapers? Of course they do. But your child KNOWS that you WILL buy those diapers, so they have no need to. They instead use that money on the very thing that is slowly killing every part of who they once were.

Let me show you something sobering:

You child has $20 in their pocket for diapers. But thats all they have. It's either diapers or drugs. They call you. You help. You drop off the diapers.


Instead of buying diapers with their $20…. They buy this:


Maybe your thinking – "well they will just go steal the diapers then." You are probably right. Depending on how far gone they are, they will. I do realize that no one wants to see their child in criminal trouble. It hard. It's embarrassing. Its often permanent on their record. Sometimes thats exactly what people need to realize that they need to change.

THEY NEED TO HIT THEIR BOTTOM. And everyone's is different. My bottom was losing my husband to a drug overdose, my children to the state, AND legal trouble.  I pray your loved one's isn't as deep is mine. But let me tell you – if you don't allow them to do so, your diaper purchase might just be the $20 that cost them their life!!

The guilt you have from that will far outweigh any diaper purchase you refused to make. I PROMISE YOU! 

Please do not make it easier on them to get the very thing that is killing them, figuratively and litterally!

It would be unfair to say that there are times when people do genuinely want to change and are making steps to – however, more often than not, you ARE just enabling their addiction. Love in this instance means saying "NO! I can't help you. If and when you are ready for real help, I'm here."

I do want to urge one more thing – If you can stand it, LOVE THEM. Be there for them emotionally. Text them just to let them know that you love them. I can promise you that they know what they are doing is a dissapointment, it's wrong, it hurts everyone around them. There is a time for those words – but more often than not what they need to hear is "I STILL LOVE YOU". LOVE THEM.

In my life – I was lucky in that my parents realized quickly that enabling me would only hurt me. (However I did have other people in my life that enabled me. Men mostly.) My parents never gave up on me, although there were times were I'm sure they wanted to. They loved me through the times when I was most Unlovable. I've said it so many times, and I will continue to – They were truly a picture of Christ's Love in my life. No matter how far I went, they were there with open arms to welcome me back home! Instead of helping monitarily – BE THAT for your loved one!!

And above all things have fervent charity (love) among yourselves: for charity (love) shall cover the multitude of sins. –1 Peter 4:8 

Hatred Stirreth up Strifes: But love covereth all sins. -Provers 10:12

Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? – Romans 2:4


Learn more about Chrystal Here

Find help for your love one here:
Addiction? Help!
RU Recovery Ministries – Faith Based Addictions Ministry.
RU Homes – Residential Treatment for those who need a little more help.



Have you ever heard it said “Don’t pray for the Lord to remove your pride or for patience, because he will place situations into your life where you are forced to work on those things.

I’ve just recently found the same is true about asking the Lord to help you love the unlovable. When I prayed this, I wasn’t quite sure why I prayed it – as I wasn’t struggling with this currently. The next morning I quickly found out why the Lord prompted me to pray this prayer in my morning devotions.

In the prayer section of my journal I wrote…

“Help me to show others Jesus”


“Help me to love the unlovable”

The next morning I woke up to a phone call. One that I had been anticipating. But I never saw what happened next, coming.

(A little back story: Because of choices over two years ago now, I got into some legal trouble due to my drug addiction. Because of that I am on probation until next year. I just recently moved to a new county and had to have my probation transferred. Now that your caught up we can continue.)

That phone call was from my new probation officer whom left a rather angry message on my voicemail at 6am. To say I was confused would be an understatement. I went into her office that morning to meet her.

As I sat there in the waiting room, I texted my boss to let him know that I may be a few minutes late, as I did not expect this meeting to take place that morning. As I was sitting there texting, she came out to grab another “offender”, the minute she stepped out of the door she snapped at me to get off of my cellphone.

I sat there for another 15/20 minutes waiting for her to call me. She finally did about 20 minutes before I was suppose to be at work. I don’t recall all that was said, but I still remember HOW she talked to me and how it made me feel. She treated me like I was scum. Like everything that came out of my mouth was a lie. I got the impression that she believed any person that came through her doors was “less than”. Many times she would ask me a question, when I’d attempt to respond, she’d shut me down. She would tell me to be quiet.

I do remember a few things from our conversation.

After she so much as told me as I was full of it, I responded “I know what you use to dealing with” She shut me down right there and responded “You can’t possibly know what I’m use to dealing with. You are not in my head. So don’t pretend like you could ever understand me”

A few minutes after this she had asked me about a violation I had previously. I started to explain. She shut me down. I then responded: “You just asked me a question, don’t you want me to explain so you can understand” Her response: “I could never understand you. And I don’t want to try.”

This woman was angry. Mean. Hurtful. Condesending. She made me cry many tears. I was NOT prepared. I had not meet with the Lord yet that morning, I was vaulerable.

I was like “a city broken down and without walls.” I had “no rule over my own spirit”. I took everything personal. I was upset that she couldn’t possibly believe that I was no longer the person who brought me through her doors. I knew I wasn’t, why couldn’t she see I wasn’t.

The berating did not cease until I successfully passed a drug test at the end of our meeting. She no longer wanted to talk. She set our next meeting and sent me away. It was as if she was disappointed.

As I climbed into my car following the meeting, I heard “LOVE HER!” I was quickly reminded that at points in my life, I was unloveable. And what this woman needed RIGHT now was LOVE!

Above all else I needed to Love her.

The lord has placed her in my life for a reason, and me in hers for possibly a totally separate reason. This wasn’t by chance. This wasn’t an accident. It was ordained by Him. It passed through His hands. He allowed this!

My mission:

To Show her Christ.

To Show her Love.

To show her that Christ can change someone who was in a situation where the rest of the world deemed hopeless.

To show her the Joy that following Christ brings.

To say that I am excited about this new person in my life might seem weird to some. But this is a great opportunity to show MY Jesus to someone who is in need of Him. To someone who is hurting. I’m asking that you please pray for the both of us in our new relationship. Our next meeting is this coming tuesday! I look forward to sharing how our relationship progresses!!

Matthew 5:46-48 46For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.


Learn more about Chrystal by Reading:

About Her

Or some of her other posts:

A Deep Hole

One Foot in the World


A Deep Hole

A Deep Hole. He left one when he died. I thought I would spend the rest of my life loving him. Yesterday would’ve been his 35th birthday. For a long time I tried desperately to fill that hole with other things. Drugs and Men Mostly. I wanted to numb the pain. I needed to be loved by someone like he loved me.

You see, when I was a child – I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything else, when I grew up. That was my “dream.” So when I no longer had either one of those things, after having them for so many years…. I was lost. I had no purpose. I wallowed in self-pity and sin. I just didn’t care anymore. Not about my life or anyone else’s.

I vividly remember having a conversation with someone about a certain man I choose to be with after the passing of my husband. As we talked through the choices I made that lead me down the destructive path I was on – I realized that he was exactly the opposite of who my husband was. The following words came out of my mouth and surprised me more than I think they did the person I was talking to. I said:

“Ken would’ve threw himself in front of a bus to save me…. XXXX would’ve thrown me in front of a bus to save himself

I sat there in her office, confused by the statement that I just made. She responded: “Why do you think you choose Him?” I couldn’t answer. I just shrugged my shoulders with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t know.  My husband was loving. This man was full of self-love. My husband was thoughtful. This man’s only thoughts were of himself. My husband was gentle. This man inflicted not only emotional pain, but on many occasions – physical. My husband cherished me. This man used me, in every way possible.

Still to this day, I’m not sure why I choose him. My best guess – He was different. He didn’t remind me of my husband. In some ways, it made being with him less painful.

After I started to piece my life back together, I still had that hole, a hole so deep that I didn’t know how to fill it. I yearned to be a wife and a mother to my children. I wanted those two things more than anything else in this world. It wasn’t long before I realized that I couldn’t fill that hole…. But HE could! He has.

When I see fathers with their children…. and I long to see Ken with ours.. HE IS ENOUGH

When I see a husband and a wife in a happy embrace…. HE IS ENOUGH

When I hear couples celebrating another year happily married…. HE IS ENOUGH

When His birthday comes, as it did yesterday…. HE IS ENOUGH

When I have to fall asleep alone with no one to hold me… HE IS ENOUGH

The way He fills this hole is so sweet. This hole drives me to my Savior. To My Jesus.

I no longer allow it to drive me into the arms of a man that God most certainly never intended for me to be with in the first place. Instead – I will wait on the LORD. I once read that you are never ready to enter into a relationship until you first learn how to allow the Lord to fulfill your every need. Thankful for this sweet time where I’m learning how to do this.

“But My God shall supply all your needs according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19)

“For HE satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” (Ps. 107:9)

Happy Birthday to my sweet husband… You are missed!






My Testimony Video

Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

I’ve be putting off sharing this on my website because of my pride. I stumbled over my words, I don’t like how I look, etc. Pride is an ugly thing. Shoving my pride down and sharing.. finally. Praying that through this someone would find hope… someone would find Him, or at least the desire to know Him. And that those who do know Him would offer those who have traveled down the road of addiction some grace when they turn back to Him!

Addiction knows no bounds!! “But for the grace of God… There go I” – This is a truth I’ve learned the hard way!


History ALWAYS Repeats Itself


A little comicality before I get into the thick of the topic 🙂

The Topic: “History ALWAYS Repeats Itself”

This phrase struck a nerve with me earlier today as I read it on a social media post. It was written with strong emphasis on the word ‘always’, using all caps. Most of us have a “history” that we’d rather not repeat – mine is my addiction. I realize this person did not direct this toward me, still this is where ‘my mind’ went!

I think the reason why it insighted such negative feelings is because the world tells those that have once struggled with an addiction that they will always be addicts. That they will find themselves in a never-ending battle, with constant relapses. Can you even begin to imagine the defeat they must feel with that ideal being beat into them. A statement like the one I read today, leaves NO hope for those in what appear to be hopeless situations.

It was a little over a year ago where I felt this way. I honestly felt doomed to be in a constant cycle of relapse! I really believed that I would never be “free” from my addiction to opiates. I know many people that have struggled with addiction and they have all felt this way. I also know that many people that have looked from the outside in would agree with the statement below.


I’ll just be honest. It’s hard when people look at you and think “She will always be a drug addict, even if she IN recovery. There is no cure!”

I think it’s just human nature to want those closest to you to “believe” in you! To think you can do it! I’m lucky in that I have so many people around me that have never given up on me!! Particularly my parents and children!

However, I know many who live without any hope or support. They live with the label “addict”. Their identity is wrapped around that word and everything that it means. Stop and think about that for a second. Words mean things. Have you ever been called something with a negative conotation? Ugly? Lazy? Useless? Stupid? Worthless? What have these words done to you??

Don’t get me wrong, addict is an appropriate term for someone IN active addiction. The definition of Addict: A Person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance. But why are we forced to carry around this for the rest of our lives? I feel like the world has preprogrammed us to believe that there is no hope. That relapse is okay. It’s expected. It will happen. They have set us up for failure before our recovery has even started.

I realize the world believes this way, because they really don’t have any answers, any hope. It is my desire to share with the world that there is hope!

17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. – 2 Corinthians 5:17

 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. – John 8:32

Jesus really can free you from your addiction. Please visit the links I’ve shared to find out more! If you have questions, leave a comment or contact me via email! I would love to share more about Him with you!! He isn’t that “Big God in the Sky” looming over you, as I once thought. He is a personal God and cares deeply about you. So much so that He gave His life for YOU!!!

Praying for all of you that have come across this page and need Hope!


Read about Chrystal’s life Here
HOPE 4 the Addicted

Need Help?
RU Recovery Ministries – Faith Based Addictions Ministry.
RU Homes – Residential Treatment for those who need a little more help.

One Foot in the World

“To Live In the World and Not Of The World”


In the past, this is something that has proved to be a huge struggle for me. It has caused me to falter in my walk with the Lord over and over. If I am being completely transparent here, I must admit that there was a time in my life shortly after my husband passed away, where I was completely aware of the direction I was headed and still choose it.

Why, you might be asking? Well – The answer is one I don’t even like saying out loud, but here it goes. I was selfish. I desired to please “my flesh” more than I did my Jesus. More than I did my family. More then I did those that Loved me and were rooting for me. Honestly, I really want to hit the backspace on this right now. But I won’t.

For many years, I’ve desired a walk with the Lord, but I’ve also desired the things this world has to offer:

  • Worldly Music
  • Being loved by a man (while this may not in itself be a bad thing, it is when it takes your focus off the Lord. It is when the desire becomes a idle)
  • Alcohol/Drugs
  • Worldly Entertainment (Garbage In, Garbage Out!)
  • Parties (and I don’t mean 1 year old birthday parties!)

15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. – John 2:15-17

Much of my life, I’ve lived with One foot in the world and One foot in church. This combination always leads to a frustrated and unstable walk.

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. – James 1 (Emphasis added)

History has proven that when I’m trying to straddle that line, it never takes very long before the world’s pull lures the other foot over. I’d have bouts of victory, and then fall. What I didn’t know then was that I was never truly walking in victory. I was just sober. I knew Jesus, I loved Him, but not more then I did myself. Chrystal still wanted what Chrystal wanted. Even if it meant compromising her relationship with the Lord or others. Wow – That’s ugly!

Chrystal still wants what Chrystal wants… But thanks to my walk with the Lord, those desires have changed. His desires have now become my desires.

My constant prayer…  That He would continually keep me in a place where I never again forget my desperate need for Him in my Daily life. Oh how difficult, but sweet, the journey has been to get to this place.

Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain. – Proverbs 30


Read about Chrystal’s life Here

MY Jesus


If you’ve read any of my other writings you might be asking yourself why I refer to Jesus as “My” Jesus. Simply put – Because my is a possessive pronoun. It is personal. It reflects ownership. He is Mine and I am His.

You see, for so many years I lived life with a flawed view of God. It was this flawed view that allowed me to fall so far from Him. I saw him as a Judge on a throne, looming over the world. While He is a righteous God who will judge sin – He is also a God who has redeemed us from  penalty of sin. If that isn’t Love, I don’t know what is.

My Jesus is.. Compassionate. Full of Mercy. Loving. Caring. Righteous. A Healer. A Physician. A Help. My Shepherd. My Restorer. My Peace. Truth. Faithful. My All in All. Oh how I could just continue on and on. It my deepest darkest moments, he was there. He always shows up. In the most personal and loving ways. If I may, I’d like to share one of those moments with you.

(Before I do that, it is important for you to know (If you don’t already) for this stories purpose, that the love of my life, my husband of 15 years, died of a drug overdose in January of 2015.)

In the summer of 2016, I was encouraged by an amazing lady, Hannah, to go to the Lord in prayer, and ask Him to give me something to cling to when I was visited with the memories surrounding my Husband. I did that for many months, with no answer.

I wondered many times why God was silent. I knew He heard me. I was sure He cared. But why no answer?

It was especially puzzling to me because she had encouraged me to do the same thing with the memories of the 2 babies that died following their births. He gave me scripture to cling to almost immediately. So I wondered – Why is He refusing to answer my other prayer?

Months later it became so clear and I was so thankful that He waited. On what would’ve been my 16th wedding anniversary, He gave me exactly what I needed.

Two simple words – “Jesus Wept” (John 11:35)

If you aren’t familiar with the context of that verse – Let me get you up to speed. This is the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead. Jesus knew that Lazarus was sick, yet he did not hurry to “heal” Him. When he finally arrived, Mary was distraught and questioned Jesus as to where He was.

32“Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.” 33 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. 34 And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. 35 Jesus wept.

Did you read Verse 33? If not – go back and read it. Do you see how Mary’s distraught affected Him? It says he “groaned in the spirit, and was troubled” Just think for a second what that might look like. In my mind he was feeling empathy for those around Him. He felt what they felt. He hurt because of their hurt. He wept – Not cried – Wept with them!

I want you to stop right there and remember – Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the Dead. He said so in Verse 4. Long before he died. When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby. 

IMPORTANT: What I want you to understand here: He was not weeping for the same reasons everyone else was. He was weeping because of their distraught. Their loss. He cared…. He Cares.

I hope your following along with me, but if I’ve lost you, and you’re wondering how this applies to my situation. Here’s how – He CARES!

He cares that I will never again get another scratchy bearded kiss from my husband (I loved how he looked with facial hair!) . That I will not ever get to laugh at his sarcastic humor again (Oh, How I miss his humor!) .That I will not get to grow old with Him. That I will not get to see him size up any “unsuitable” (Let’s just be real – no one is ever good enough to marry their daughter) man that his daughters bring home. That my children will never get to say the words “daddy” to Him again. That they will not have their father there on the most important days of their lives. He cares about those hurts. This passage made me see Christ in a different light. One I’ve never known before that day.LovesSweetly



If you know anything about me, you know that I’ve had an issue with becoming bitter at the Lord in the past.. and I never want to be in that place again.

 I know it might seem silly.. But to me it meant the world, that he choose to give to me on THAT day, exactly what I needed. It helps me to put things in perspective when it comes to the Lord and Him “Allowing that to happen.” It helps me to remember that Jesus KNOWS and CARES about my heartache. And that He never allows pain without a purpose.

“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit” – Psalm 34:18

God is seldom early. Never Late. His timing is always perfect. In this case – this couldn’t be more true!


Read about Chrystal’s life Here


If you asking yourself “Why did she start this blog?” The answer would simply be because my younger sister, Cari, encouraged me to. (Thank you Cari!)

Why I agreed – I think Psalm 107:1-8 explains it perfectly. Particularly Verse 2.


Psalm 107:1-8

  1. O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.
  2. Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy;
  3. And gathered them out of the lands, from the east, and from the west, from the north, and from the south.
  4. They wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way; they found no city to dwell in.
  5. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.
  6. Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses.
  7. And he lead them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation. 
  8. Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

Oh how I love Psalms 107! The entire chapter – Amazing! If you have not read it, you must!

“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy”

I want to share what Jesus did for me, with others. I want the same hope I have, to be had by so many. There is freedom – IN HIM. Drug addiction is an epidemic in our nation, in our world. I want those without hope to know that they no longer have to continue in the never ending cycle of relapse. There is recovery without relapse through Christ. You may be saying to yourself – Well the religion thing is just not for me. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a real, personal relationship with the almighty God. The same God that sent his son, Jesus, down to earth, to live as man. A Sinless perfect life. One that would end in the most brutal way, beaten, nailed to a cross, despised, spit on – So that one day I could join Him in Heaven. He loves me that much – And He loves you too! He is able to save you!! If you want to know how… Please feel free to contact me, or visit my “Salvation” page. I would love to share more!

Please read my About Me page next. It will tell you about who I am, Where I’ve been, how My Jesus saved me from a deep dark pit (Heroin Addiction).

“Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.” Luke 7:47


Read about Chrystal’s life Here