Sometimes it is extremely difficult being comfortable in my own skin. I can tend to allow the opinions of others dictate how I feel about myself. I think that’s a common character defect for many people.
Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who I thought I hit it off with. Then certain things were revealed about my past…. Particularly my criminal background that existed because of my addiction. It was then that communication ceased all together. I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t “hurt.” Because it did. I really liked him.
I felt rejected… my past came back and punched me square in the face.
But after I dug deeper, I realized that he was right where I was so many years ago. Before my addiction, I was judge-mental and unforgiving. I thought I was “above” others.
Early on in my marriage, I was a stay at home mother. I made extra money by babysitting for various children. One of the mothers continually neglected to pick her child up on time, pay me, answer phone calls, ect. It was only a few weeks into watching her child that I learned her mother was a heroin addict.
Immediately disgust and self righteousness filled my heart and words. I said things along the lines of “what kind of mother would choose drugs over her children” …. and… “she doesn’t love her!!”… oh how those words will haunt me for the rest of my life!!
What the Lord has shown me through this is 2-fold:
1. For but by the grace of there go I!!!
And there I went. I found myself in that women’s shoes only 6 years later. The very things I thought about her, others were (and still many probably are) thinking about me.
I know people view me in this way; Because If I’m not careful, I do it to others. Self-righteousness is such an ugly thing. Full of pride of oneself and disdain for others.
My father, for years, has told me to not build myself up on the false premise of “Well, I’m better than so and so because…”
But instead to compare myself to Christ. When we do that we truly realize that none of us are better off than any other. Only his blood can make a filthy wrench like me righteous.
2. It really only matters what God knows is true about me.
Let’s just be honest here. People will judge me for my past. I expect it. I’m ‘mostly‘ okay with it. I paved that road. Sowed those seeds. It is the reality I created for myself.
I will not however allow it to dictate how I feel about myself. (Both having to convince and remind myself of that on a regular basis) I will instead choose to concern myself with what I KNOW!
I know that He created me in His own image (Gen. 1:27). That He knit me together in my mother’s womb (Ps 139:16). That He knows the very number of hairs on my head and every word before I even speak it into existence (Mat 10:30, Ps. 139:4). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139: 14). That is how my creator, my savior, my redeemer sees me. If so much care and concern go into ME, from the one who holds the entire world in His hands, then why should I be bothered by how others think of me.
He doesn’t see my marred past. In His eyes, I – Chrystal– was worth the Cross.
He looks at me, at my past, my present, and my future… and still willingly gave His life for mine.
And he did the same for you…
For God so loved the world (you!), that He gave he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth on Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.