BUT NOW I’VE BEEN FOUND BY JESUS!!
Strap in… You’re in for a bumpy ride – My Life!
Lets go back to the beginning…… I was raised in a home where I was taught who Jesus was, brought to church, Awanas, and was pointed morally in the right direction by two parents who loved and cared for me each and every day. I was saved on a Sunday morning at around the age of 8, after hearing a fire and brimstone message that scared the bejeezees out of me! Although I possessed a faith that saved, I lacked one that sanctified.
I went on living life for the next 15 years, unaware and unequipped to face what would prove to be many battles I had little chance at winning….. On My Own.
I was married to a wonderful man by the name of Ken at a young age. For the first 8 years of our marriage we faithfully served God, our family, our church, and each other. We were the “ideal” Christian family. Until devastation struck our family not once, but twice.
In early 2008, Ken and I awoke excited that the day had finally come. A day where we wound find out if we should be picking out blue or pink booties. Instead, we were informed that our extremely active baby that I was carrying for the last 19 weeks, would not survive. “Incompatible with life”, the same words we heard 6 short years earlier. Devastated. Disbelief. Deaf to what was going on around me. I remember it being like a sort of fog. Almost as if in a dream, or a nightmare in this case. I was numb with fear. I could not believe that a God that loved me would cause me to have to do this all over again. To Carry…. give birth…. and watch my child die in my arms, Again.
It was my choice, to carry her, after finding out. I couldn’t bear the thought of ending this Child’s life earlier than the Lord planned just to make it easier on me. It was a conviction that I held strongly to during both pregnancies. So I went on, praying, begging the God I was losing all hope in, to show up and give us a miracle. He did not. 29 weeks after I conceived Isabella she joined her sister Abigail in Heaven. He choose not to answer my prayer in the way I thought He should. It was from this moment on that I began a journey. A journey into a deep dark hole. One that I have struggled for years to get out of.
Due to a condition I have, I was prescribed opiates during my pregnancies. In previous pregnancies I never took them. But with this one – they were my way to not feel. My “artificial” happiness. Some people needed coffee to get started each morning – after finding out about Isabella, for me it was in the form of a pill. After she was born on October 23rd, 2008. The hole only got deeper. And the Drugs harder. My husband, who was so faithfully devoted to God and walked with him regularly – also fell prey to using the “world’s way” to cope.
In April of 2009 – we both found ourselves addicted to Heroin. In complete destruction. Nothing Mattered. Not even the 4 beautiful children we still had. We were both stuck in a whirlwind of self-pity and selfishness.
Finally through a pastor of ours, help came in the form of a faith based addictions program in Rockford, IL. – Reformers Unanimous, now known as RU recovery ministries. It was here that I learned how to walk with Jesus. How to have a daily personal relationship with him. He was no longer that big unreachable God in the sky looming over us- instead he was my friend. My very best friend. After successfully completing the 6-8 month residential program, we went home. We were a family again. We even went on to have another baby boy. Making our grand total 5 happy and healthy children.
I would like to say that it ended right here with a “Happily ever after.” But it didn’t.
We went on for 3 years without the use of any drugs. However, after our life was “back together” our actions proved that we slowly stopped believing that we needed to walk daily with the Lord. We were “doing it in our power.” The devil saw the perfect opportunity – all of a sudden there were opiates all around us. Our neighbors. My husband’s co-workers. Once we let the world in again, it didn’t take long before we were slaves to it. We were both addicted to heroin. A second time.
For the next 1.5 years we would struggle to get clean. White knuckle it to stay clean. Only to continue the cycle over and over again. I couldn’t believe we were right back in that deep dark hole, yet again. What happened next was enough to bring me to my knees. To the end of myself. To realize that I needed MY Jesus. Not just religion.
In early 2014, through a series of events, our 5 children were removed from our home due to our drug use. Instead of allowing this to drive me towards sobriety – I allowed myself to fall deeper into my addiction than I ever thought I could. I did things I never thought I would. I hurt people I never dreamed I’d hurt.
We were literally in a battle for our lives.
My husband lost his battle in January of 2015. I can still remember the night. I don’t know that I’ve ever in my life, cried like I did after finding out that He was unresponsive. Purple. Not breathing. A Heroin overdose. I sat waiting for word that the paramedics were able to bring him back. Those words never came. I couldn’t consume enough drugs to numb the pain. Thus my addiction only spiraled more and more out of control. I found myself in and out of jail. In and out of men’s arms that I should have never been in. Trying to find comfort in something. In anything. In Anyone. I never found it.
I walked back through the doors of that discipleship home that me and my husband walked through so many year before. I was Broken. Hopeless. Afraid. Lost.
I knew Jesus was the answer. But I was sure I was too far gone for Him to save me. Oh boy – How wrong I was! Praise God for that!! There are no earthly words to describe the relationship I have with my God. My Savior. My Comforter. My Best Friend.
Romans 8:28 – “And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
This is my life verse. Despite the many mistakes I’ve made in my Life. I know my God is bigger than them all. He may not have chosen to answer my prayer in the way I thought He should nearly 10 years ago now, But had he would’ve, I don’t think I would know him and Love him as deeply as I do today. “His ways are not our ways, Nor his thoughts our thoughts.” And for that I’m so thankful.
I’m not sure what the future looks like for me – but I do know one thing – It will include a daily walk with my savior. I will be the mother to my children that the Lord intended for me to be. I will faithfully serve Him daily with my life.
I’m looking forward to sharing my Jesus, my family, my struggles, and my heart with you. Please come back often! 🙂