Salt and Pepper (No, not the Band!)

The peanut butter to my jelly. The cream to my coffee. The cheese to my macaroni……My children to me! Without them, life would be rather blah!

The other day my 11 year old daughter grabbed my arm, weaved hers around mine, and started singing these words: “I’m like a part of you mom, I’m never letting go.”

My first thought: Good! Please don’t!!

My second: You ARE a part of me. The very BEST part of me.

This is exactly how I feel about each one of my children. In the words of Jerry Maguire… “they complete me!” ((I apologize for that overused reference.))

My children have all had to face some giant obstacles and tragedies in their lives. One being.. the addiction to opiates that rendered both of their parents absent from their lives; Me sporadically, their father permanently. They’ve been through some really “tough” stuff.

Looking at them you really wouldn’t be able to tell. They are happy, healthy, hilarious, intelligent, kind, compassionate, amazing little people!! (My parents had a lot to do with this. When we stepped out, they stepped in! They have loved and nurtured them like their own. The debt I owe to them is truly insurmountable!)

This next part, may very well bore the average reader… but I feel the need to write this down for myself. For them. And have felt the “tug” to do so for a while now, so here’ goes.

Maria…. My oldest child… at 17 years, she is intelligent, extremely strong willed (oh, so her dad in this instance), self-sufficient, an amazing dancer, and has a heart of gold. She loves intently. She is so forgiving but is also cautious. She was the child that was forced to grow up the fastest because of our choices; but has gracefully emerged into a beautiful young woman, who I am so proud of. Your future is so bright, my dear!

Jeremiah… My 15 year old son, reminds me so much of his father. His intelligence. His humor. His sarcasm. He truly is the best things that His father was. He loves deeply. His level of empathy for those who hurt around him is surpassed by few. You amaze me daily, my boy!

Hannah… My 13 year old… She is a whirlwind of quick-whit(again, her father) and feistiness. She is kind. She is compassionate. Hilarious. Sooo smart, sometimes too smart. She is a performer by nature, which is evident by her love for Dance. Man, do I love watching you, banana!!

Sophia… My 11 year old has one of the very kindest hearts I’ve ever known. She is sweet. She is gentle. Silly. And definitely not shy. And I absolutely love how little babies melt her heart! She is a little mama in the making! Child, someday some little ones are going to be so very lucky to call you “Mommy!”

And last but not least… Jaxson, my 7 year old. Our new beginning. That is what he once represented for his father and me. He is goofy, loving, and ready to defend anyone that needs defending!! He fights for what he believes is right. I know someday you will do great things, baby boy!

I am excited for what the future holds for each one of these amazing children. I love each one of you… more than you’ll ever know!

((Rather old… but one of my favorites of all of us))

Marred Image

Sometimes it is extremely difficult being comfortable in my own skin. I can tend to allow the opinions of others dictate how I feel about myself. I think that’s a common character defect for many people.

Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who I thought I hit it off with. Then certain things were revealed about my past…. Particularly my criminal background that existed because of my addiction. It was then that communication ceased all together. I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t “hurt.” Because it did. I really liked him.

I felt rejected… my past came back and punched me square in the face.

But after I dug deeper, I realized that he was right where I was so many years ago. Before my addiction, I was judge-mental and unforgiving. I thought I was “above” others.

Early on in my marriage, I was a stay at home mother. I made extra money by babysitting for various children. One of the mothers continually neglected to pick her child up on time, pay me, answer phone calls, ect. It was only a few weeks into watching her child that I learned her mother was a heroin addict.

Immediately disgust and self righteousness filled my heart and words. I said things along the lines of “what kind of mother would choose drugs over her children” …. and… “she doesn’t love her!!”… oh how those words will haunt me for the rest of my life!!

What the Lord has shown me through this is 2-fold:

1. For but by the grace of God there go I!!!

And there I went. I found myself in that women’s shoes only 6 years later. The very things I thought about her, others were (and still many probably are) thinking about me.

I know people view me in this way; Because If I’m not careful, I do it to others. Self-righteousness is such an ugly thing. Full of pride of oneself and disdain for others.

My father, for years, has told me to not build myself up on the false premise of “Well, I’m better than so and so because…”

But instead to compare myself to Christ. When we do that we truly realize that none of us are better off than any other. Only his blood can make a filthy wrench like me righteous.

2. It really only matters what God knows is true about me.

Let’s just be honest here. People will judge me for my past. I expect it. I’m ‘mostly‘ okay with it. I paved that road. Sowed those seeds. It is the reality I created for myself.

I will not however allow it to dictate how I feel about myself. (Both having to convince and remind myself of that on a regular basis) I will instead choose to concern myself with what I KNOW!

I know that He created me in His own image (Gen. 1:27). That He knit me together in my mother’s womb (Ps 139:16). That He knows the very number of hairs on my head and every word before I even speak it into existence (Mat 10:30, Ps. 139:4). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139: 14). That is how my creator, my savior, my redeemer sees me. If so much care and concern go into ME, from the one who holds the entire world in His hands, then why should I be bothered by how others think of me.

He doesn’t see my marred past. In His eyes, I – Chrystal– was worth the Cross.

He looks at me, at my past, my present, and my future… and still willingly gave His life for mine.

And he did the same for you…

For God so loved the world (you!), that He gave he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth on Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16

Stuck.

I find myself in this rut over and over. Stuck on an island of discontentment.

Wishing things were different. My job, my parental role, my relationship status, the amount of time I have to serve…. I the list goes on and on.

These last few days it has been my parental role and my relationship status where discontentment has made a home for itself. These two things are something I struggle with more than anything else when it comes to being content. But during the holidays it’s just… harder. A lot harder!!

It’s not something I’m use to. I’m use to a house full of children with Ken by my side.

Comparison aggravates these feelings. To see others living what I once had… just makes me.. well jealous. Angry. Regretful. Sad.

You get the idea.

During times like these, God continues to remind me of a few things that help me to snap out of the pity party I’ve thrown for myself…..

1. You’re discontent because you’re self focused!

Did you see all of those “My, My, My’s” at the beginning of this post? If I was kingdom focused, all of these thoughts and feelings would be non-existent. When I am self-focused, there will ALWAYS be some part of my life I will be unhappy with.

2. This IS where God has me.

He has me in THIS place. I may have chosen the path I am on, because of choices I made in the past; but he has also chosen to keep me walking this path. This is HIS will for MY life in THIS moment.

3. Do not compromise.

Oh man!! It would be so easy to. However, I’ve been outside of Gods will far too many times by making compromises and have suffered the consequences.

One thing I’ve repeatedly told myself since I’ve heard it… “It is better to NOT HAVE what you WANT, then to HAVE what you DON’T WANT!!”

Get that?! I’m so thankful that He has helped me to stay steadfast in the convictions He has given me in relation to any potential mate!

4. HE IS ENOUGH!!!

(I know, I know. We’ve already covered this in previous posts. I’m sorry if I’m starting to sound like a broken record.)

He most certainly is enough!! It is the devil who plays on my desires, my dreams, my wants. He knows me even better than I know myself, therefore He knows exactly how to “distract me.” It is the king of lies that allows me to believe that God’s Love isn’t enough!

After all it was the devil that caused Eve to become discontent. If He can create a spirit of discontentment in Eve, who should’ve by all accounts been completely content in every possible way, then why should I ever be surprised that He is trying to constantly do the same to me!

5. He wants me to grow me.

Well, he always want this for us. But experience has proven that in those “difficult” moments, I grow the most. I know it’s absolutely because it’s when I seek Him the most, with my WHOLE heart!

I’ve found that, often times, the things we can’t change…. end up changing us!! Thankful for the continued journey of learning to be content IN HIM!!

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content – Philippians 4:11

Not Just Any Ol’ Prince Charming

It was a long day. A 10 hour shift. I headed over to my mothers, after she extended an invite for dinner. Two things I will never say no to: 1. Time with my children and parents! 2. Italian! (There!! You have the keys to my heart!)

As I was sitting there, I scrolled through Facebook. I saw that another one of my friends entered into a relationship. Just as soon as I saw it, the words came out of my mouth… “Everyone has a boyfriend, except me.”

My mothers response was quick, matter of fact, and exactly what I needed to hear….. “Anyone can get a boyfriend, Chrystal. You could walk out that door right now and get one. The difference is you’ve chosen to wait for God to bring you the right man.”

She quickly reminded me that I had made a decision. One I knew the Lord clearly asked me to. To wait on Him! To not settle. To not entertain the thought of being with someone that would cause my relationship with the Lord to falter, but instead one that would enable it to grow!! Someone who walked with Christ daily. Someone that would love Christ more than anything or anyone, including me!!

I made this decision during my time in the post graduate program at RU recovery ministries. After a series of events early in my program, I realized how vital it was to my walk with Christ that I made this decision.

I have made compromises along my life’s path for men. Two in particular. Those compromises lead to huge disasters. (I’m not trying to place the blame on others for the disaster that became my life over and over, stay with me here, you’ll see the point I’m trying to make!)

Previously, I always viewed myself as “submissive!” What I didn’t realize then was the “WHY” for my submissiveness!

Sure the Bible calls women to be submissive to their husbands, the church to their pastor, the people to their government, and of course… the Christian to God; But my submissiveness wasn’t built on these directives. It was built on an idol complex.

Simply, a man has always surperceeded God on His throne, in my heart. I needed them to fill a hole that I wasn’t allowing God to fill. To fulfill needs that I believed God couldn’t meet. These were tough truths to swallow about myself.

I made certain choices in life to accommodate the relationships. To prove my love. To be who they wanted me to be, so that they could be who I NEEDED them to be.

One of the things my late husband use to say to me was “I love you for the way you love me. For how you see me. No matter if I’m doing good or bad, you still love me.” (For those of you who don’t know, but might be reading this… My husband died of a heroin overdose in early 2015. We both entered into our addiction together during a time in our life where sorrow was the place we called home.) When he said those words to me, it was during a sweet moment when we were walking in victory and Satan’s grasp had lost its hold on us, at least for a few short years.

It was the memory of those words that the Lord prompted me to take a look at why I was the way I was with men. And what it all meant.

A few things he showed me during the sweet time that I sought his face through this were:

1. Don’t Doubt Gods ability to fulfill all of my needs!!! But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19. He can fulfill every single one of them, only IF I allow Him to!

2. Don’t get ahead of God. There are so many verses about waiting on Him!! Through my life’s journey I’ve realized that there is nothing outside of Gods will that I want for my life, including a man….therefore, I will wait on Him!

The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently For the salvation of the LORD. -Lam 3:24-26

3.Don’t settle. God may or may not have a man for me, but Satan definitely has one!! Be certain you can spot the fake!

4. Hide yourself!! God doesn’t need your help! Putting yourself out there will not attract the kind of man you desire or need, anyways!! Gods word tells men: “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing….” To find something it MUST be hidden right?!

This last one can be so difficult. In a world where you can “swipe” left or right to choose a potential mate, it is hard to not fall prey to giving God a little “help!” It’s easy for Satan’s whispers to get in there and tell me lies that I start to believe, causing me to want to take control and do the finding!!! But then I’m gently nudged by that still small voice that says….

Trust.

Wait.

Hide.

Thankful today for my very Best friend, my mother, who He has used time and time again to nudge me back to the cross!!

In Someone Else’s Shoes

Almost two weeks ago now, my immediate family received some news we were devastated to hear. 

My sister who is away at a faith based addictions program had been medically discharged.  For those of you that do not know my family personally, this is the same inpatient program that the Lord gave me my victory at! The very one where I learned how to walk with Jesus! 

I won’t get into why she was discharged, because really the why isn’t important. It’s what the Lord has shown me, and her, through the entire situation, that is. 

1. He can handle any “mess!” Don’t doubt him! Don’t try to manipulate the situation, even if you have the best of intentions!! 

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6

Oh, how we wanted to fix the situation!! And we tried. Phone calls were made, texts were sent.

All the while, I KNEW in the back of my head that God knew. That He was working. I even said things like, “what we need to be doing is praying!…. He cares…. He’s brought Her this far, He’s not just going to abandon her now!” Yet, I still felt the need to intervene and convince those that made the decision that it wasn’t the right one! That Her life laid in the balance! 

However, I’m thankful they didn’t waiver, and stuck to their decision! I know without a shadow of a doubt, God has used in a mighty way….. you’ll see why shortly. 

2. Don’t doubt for a second that your choices don’t have a great affect on those that love you!! It’s painful being on the outside looking in. 

For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself. – Romans 14:7

It gave me a new perspective. I was once in her place. The one causing all sorts of pain, worry, anger, discouragement, and heartache. I trampled on the hope my family had, time and time again. To finally feel just a glimmer of what they felt was heartrenching for many different reasons. 

In the past, I knew the pain I must have had been causing, but I had never “felt” it before. Not this kind. I had always wept for what I had been doing or what I did (usually when the drugs wore off) but never for a situation quite like this. It’s so hard when your looking from the outside in, just praying they would “get it!” That she would realize that Jesus is THE answer!! That He has a beautiful life for her!! One that we so desperately want to be a part of!! 

3. Gods plans are ALWAYS better than ours!! 

Sometimes the opposite of what we think should happen, is exactly God’s plan. His design. I’m 100% positive that those that made the decision to discharge her, prayed before making it. It wasn’t one made flippantly. 

Prior to the series of events that lead us to exactly where we are at today, I don’t believe my sisters heart was where it needed to be. Not for true lasting victory, anyway. 

You know the sayings.. “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!” … or…. “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Both of these statements are true of how my sister now feels about “that place”…. “those people.” Sometimes the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while! 

Before… in her words she “would’ve rather been in jail”….. now she would do anything to get back there! 

I truly believe that this needed to take place. Because if the Lord tarries, and she is allowed back there; those that are charged with her care will finally be able to minister to her. Their words (and more importantly Gods!) will not fall on unfertile ground! 

My prayer for her whatever may happen in the next coming weeks.. That she would allow Him to change her completely!!! Into His image!! That her heart would be soft. That she would seek him with every being in her! That she would desire Him more than the things this world has to offer!! That her relationship with Him would be sweet. 

I’m not sure what her future holds. But I’m confident God does!! I do know however, that the change that I’ve seen in her heart is the most encouraged I’ve been since we’ve started on this journey!! 

I’ve said it before, to many people, I’ll say it again…. Gods word NEVER returns void!!! Thankful for this truth and the visible evidence of that in her life from the many seeds that were planted during her time there!! 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

Perspective

Having the right perspective about any given situation can completely change a whole host of things. Beginning with your attitude and ending with your choices that result in the path you find yourself on. 

My perspective nearly 2 years ago now, lead me into the arms of someone who was not good for me, while simultaneously leading me away from my family, from my kids, from everyone that meant the world to me. I had been back on the path into their lives, when my feet followed His feet. 

What was my perspective you might be wondering. Well for starters it was rooted in pity! My entire being was completely enveloped in it!  I lost “him”. I lost “them.” I lost “me” Thats what I was consumed with. 

Often, very often actually, people would co-sign my self pity! They would say things like: “awww you’ve been through so much! You poor thing!” These types of comments made it easier for me to play the victim. They made it easier and acceptable to “wallow.” 

I was so self-focused. I was stuck in the “why me!?” 

In the “there’s no coming back from this, not fully anyways!”

 In the “I deserve him. I deserve this!”

 In the “God doesn’t care”…. “God doesn’t want me back,”  

In the…. “they ARE all better off without me” 

Oh the lies Satan told me about myself. They were too many to count. They were what I clung to. What I wallowed in. What I believed with everything in me! They are what laid the ground work for my perspective.  For the path I found myself on. 

I couldn’t see past the “mess” of my life, much of it created by my very own hands! At the same time, unwilling to take responsibility for it. Instead I wanted to wade in those deep waters of self pity, where I was drowning. 

What changed you might be wondering? Well isn’t it obvious? It was my perspective. I am no longer waring from the wrong position!! I no longer stand looking at my life through the lenses of the world. 

It took some time. It took a lot of hard work. Dedication. Understanding. Willingness to admit that perhaps I am “wrong!!”

I am now able to see my life through the telescope of Gods word. 

Through the magnifying glass in my saviors hands. 

I see it with His eyes, and not my own! 

I no longer look at myself as Hopeless. Something the World once told me I was! Over and over!

I no longer see my role in my children’s lives as minimized. Oh how great an influence I can be!! How mighty I can show them that My Jesus is!! The one whom redeemed their mother from the wiles of the enemeys hand!! The one whom sustains her!! Her true source of Joy admits her circumstances!! 

I no longer see myself as “useless.” You see, I AM a daughter of a king. I am made in HIS imagine. I have a great message to share!! One of redemption and hope. 

I am no longer a slave to sin. The evil one can no longer take me captive at “his will!” I am free!!

He has traded me beauty for my ashes, the oil of joy for my mourning, the garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness…. That I might be called a tree of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE might be glorified!! (Isaiah 61:3, paraphrased) 

Thankful today for my position in Christ and the perspective that comes with it!! 

One Foot in the World

“To Live In the World and Not Of The World”

In the past, this is something that has proved to be a huge struggle for me. It has caused me to falter in my walk with the Lord over and over. If I am being completely transparent here, I must admit that there was a time in my life shortly after my husband passed away, where I was completely aware of the direction I was headed and still choose it.

Why, you might be asking? Well – The answer is one I don’t even like saying out loud, but here it goes. I was selfish. I desired to please “my flesh” more than I did my Jesus. More than I did my family. More then I did those that Loved me and were rooting for me. Honestly, I really want to hit the backspace on this right now. But I won’t.

For many years, I’ve desired a walk with the Lord, but I’ve also desired the things this world has to offer:

• Worldly Music
• Being loved by a man (while this may not in itself be a bad thing, it is when it takes your focus off the Lord. It is when the desire becomes a idle)
• Alcohol/Drugs
• Worldly Entertainment (Garbage In, Garbage Out!)
• Parties (and I don’t mean 1 year old birthday parties!)

¹⁵ Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.¹⁶ For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.¹⁷ And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. – John 2:15-17

Much of my life, I’ve lived with One foot in the world and One foot in church. This combination always leads to a frustrated and unstable walk.

⁸ A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. – James 1 (Emphasis added)

History has proven that when I’m trying to straddle that line, it never takes very long before the world’s pull lures the other foot over. I’d have bouts of victory, and then fall. What I didn’t know then was that I was never truly walking in victory. I was just sober. I knew Jesus, I loved Him, but not more then I did myself. Chrystal still wanted what Chrystal wanted. Even if it meant compromising her relationship with the Lord or others. Wow – That’s ugly!

Chrystal still wants what Chrystal wants… But thanks to my walk with the Lord, those desires have changed. His desires have now become my desires.

My constant prayer…  That He would continually keep me in a place where I never again forget my desperate need for Him in my Daily life. Oh how difficult, but sweet, the journey has been to get to this place.

⁸ Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: ⁹ Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain. – Proverbs 30

Links:
Read about Chrystal’s life Here